Perhaps I was a bit vain after how well I faced heart surgery, but last night was a completely different story.
Yesterday was such a great day. It felt so good to finally be out of the hospital. When I couldn’t sleep this morning I decided to get up and make myself some breakfast. It was about three am.
Assuming the reader has never had heart surgery, I will tell you the the hardest, at least for me, has been getting in and out of bed.
After surgery, they tell you to imagine you are a tyrannosaurus rex and cannot stretch out your arms. But tyrannosaurus rex’s at least get to bite someone. You cannot put weight on your arms without risking damage to the wound in your chest. If you don’t complete the “log roll” on the first try you can easily end up feeling like a turtle on its back. The feeling is very helpless. You can feel like an exhausted worm squirming helplessly on a hot pavement.
Rev Babs has lent me a wonderful recliner that can lean back and forward and then help you actually stand thus greatly reducing the sense of hopeless. I almost felt like I was cheating by using it with my rehab. I was counting my chickens.
So, anyway, it’s three am and I am trying to stand up but I can’t get traction with my yellow hospital socks. I slowly slump to the floor and end up helplessly in a self pitying puddle on the floor.
Whatever Gandhi points I had earned facing heart surgery were lost instantly as I began to curse my yellow socks. Yes, I was literally swearing like a sailer at two inanimate objects. Lying pitifully on the floor unable, to find my footing, or find my peace of mind I suddenly remembered a teaching by the great Buddhist priest, Thich Nhat Hahn:
“Anger is like a howling baby, suffering and crying. The baby needs (their) mother to embrace (them). You are the mother for your baby, your anger. The moment you begin to practice breathing mindfully in and out, you have the energy of a mother, to cradle and embrace the baby. Just embracing your anger, just breathing in and breathing out, that is good enough. The baby will feel relief right away.”
So another lesson in living this week: my wisdom foundation is never really secure until I can love my immature emotions and transform them with nurture instead of judgment.
Our work on world peace often begins within the cradle of our own heart.