(Jerusalem) In a discovery sure to reshape how we view Jesus, NRA archeologists have discovered what they believe to have been a concealed firearm used by Jesus. The primitive gun was made is out of clay and appears to have fired very hard pieces of bread for bullets.
NRA scholars had long suspected that the “rod” of Moses was actually a handgun, but until now no one had actually found a firearm used by a biblical figure. Hugo Grunt, who headed the dig, made the following statement:
“Liberals have long pictured Jesus as a pacifist sissy. We now know the truth. When Jesus said, “turn the other cheek,” he must have meant to fire your rifle with the other arm, which would entail a turning of the cheek. And when he said when he said, “resist not evil” he must have meant “let your gun do that for you.”
The revelation is sure to redefine Christianity as radically as when Republican biblical scholars, defending Reagan’s cuts to school funding, revealed an ancient document showing that that what Jesus actually said was not, “Suffer the little children to come onto me,” but “let the little children suffer, period.”
In a particularly moving moment Professor Grunt wiped a tear from his eye and said, “We are realizing that Jesus was actually just like us at the NRA. It is very likely that the cross itself was not a sign of redemptive suffering, but was actually represented the crosshairs of Jesus’ rifle. From now on, such traditional phrases as “resting in the arms of God” will have a whole new meaning.”