Going through old files, I found a comedy script I had written last year for Janie Spahr. Rev. Spahr has, for decades, struggled to bring acceptance for GLBT persons into the Presbyterian church. I have traveled with her on many occasions and have seen first hand how wonderful and painful such work can be. She has been on trial in the church most of her career. To many, she is the face of compassion. For others, she is a villain who personifies all that is wrong with the church.

After a tough event, I am sometimes asked to write a comedy script to be acted out by people who have played a central role in the movement. I always reserve for myself the role of the heterosexual clergy with a few issues of his own. The scripts were always gallows humor. We were just trying to find some way of laughing through the pain of it all. It was always healing to see powerful feminists and serious prophetic types willing to play dress up for a brief moment. No one outside the group has ever seen one of the scripts, until now:



ROD: Hello Precious lambs of God. Welcome to the Rod of God family hour with me, Reverend Rodney Grunt III, mighty man of God, and my lovely wife Prissy Fae.

PRIS: (crying with joy, waving a glass, clearly drunk) Jesus loves you he really does.

ROD: Pumkin, You might want to hold off a little on your… iced tea. Okay! Well, today our topic is “Homosexuality: Scourge of the American Family.” You know Prissy Fae, so many manly men like myself are led astray when a gay couple moves into their neighborhood. Christian men like myself who want to focus on their wives, but can’t because they know two buff hunks are rubbing each other with oils and burning scented candles, and doing ungodly things just down the street.

PRIS: (Mutters as she sips) That’s our topic every week.

ROD: Excuse me dear?

PRIS: (Blurts out) That’s all you ever talk about on this show: homosexuality! Why do you think I need my…iced tea.

ROD: Now that you mention it sweetheart, I guess you’re right. I do spend a lot of time talking about that subject, (turns to camera) but you know precious lambs of God, we must eternally be on guard against immorality. And what is more immoral (with growing disgust) than two men pumping and thrusting their supple well-oiled limbs rubbing against each other, their wicked hairy chests glistening in the sun?

PRIS: (Awkward silence) Darling don’t you think we should get to our guests?

ROD:  You’re right peaches. What is our topic today? Oh yes, homosexuality. Well, yesterday The Rev. Jane Adams Spahr helped the homosexual agenda take a big step forward. So, today we have asked two experts on homosexuality to come tell us what this means.

PRIS: That’s right, our guests today are Dr. Gretchen Killjoy, a Christian chiropractor and also Professor Barbara Bombast, expert on the gay agenda, and author of a book discussing what homosexuals really want. The book is called, They’re Coming to Fondle our Dead.”  Now, Dr. Killjoy, you have said “there’s nothing gay about gay.” What did you mean by that?

DR: It’s wonderful to be on your show, Rod. And I can tell you that, as a doctor, I see the sad consequences of the supposedly “gay” lifestyle all the time.  Sometimes two healthy men will start take up a woman’s activity, like cooking or cleaning, and suddenly they will go gay, gay as a three dollar bill.

ROD: And let us remember Ladies and Gentlement, this is a doctor. So, Dr. Killjoy, when you share your brave warning about the gay lifestyle, and people call you “hateful,” how do you feel?

DR: (struggling to compose herself) It’s very hurtful. I think we’re the real victims here. It’s getting where decent Christian people can’t judge other people without getting judged ourselves.

ROD: Well this is one pastor who wants to thank you for standing up for the only group in America without a special interest lobby, the white Christian heterosexual bigots.  (Suddenly weeping) Oh my precious Jesus, why won’t they leave us alone? (suddenly calm) Our next guest is Professor Bombast. Professor, you’ve read the news about Rev. Spahr. You know that the homosexual agenda took a giant step forward yesterday. What can we expect next?

PROF: The homosexual is a wily creature.  They don’t sleep like you or I, so they have more time to scheme. Their next step, as Ezekiel 32 clearly reveals, is to dig up our sacred dead and dress them like the characters in the Wizard of Oz. So at the resurrection, your dear papa may be dressed like the Tin Man, and your deceased nephew may belong to the Lolly Pop Guild.

ROD: Oh precious Jesus. Have they no shame?

PROF: No they do not. Do you remember that scene in the Wizard of Oz where the flying monkeys took away the little dog? Well that was a horrifying glimpse of our future if the homosexual lobby has their way.

PRIS: (suddenly back in the conversation) They’re going to take our precious doggies?

PROF: Yes they are. And God knows what they’ll do with them. Ladies, I know it will be hard, but we have to take the sparkly sweaters off our poodles. The homosexual has little impulse control and when they see shiny things they often lose control.

ROD: Oh my precious lambs of God, we’re all out of time, friends this ministry needs your money if we are going to protect your helpless little poodles and your precious dead from the powerful homosexual lobby, we need you to give generously.

(Rod Sings as credits role)

“May our manly God bless and keep you,

May He shelter you with his thighs of steel

May his manly chest protect you.

From the homosexual  lobby

and their wicked sweaty appeal.

(cast waves goodbye while pronouncing vacuous blessings on the audience)