Hey boys and girls! It’s time for “Fun Facts about Capitalism!” Here is where we praise the economic system which has made us the richest nation ever. And by “us” of course, I don’t mean the masses of poor laborers, I mean rich people like your mommy and daddy.

Let’s get started! Did you know that the average person receiving assistance for food got $1,500 for the entire year? Well, at least ten rich ten Americans each made that much in under ten seconds just off their investments in 2012! Wow, aren’t you glad your mommy and daddy aren’t actual workers?

Did you know almost half the hungry people in America are children. Let’s all scream, “get a job, junior!”

Did you know twenty people like your mommy and daddy make more off their investments in one year than the entire national budget for food assistance?

Did you know that when dirty poor people graduate from college they owe so much that 360,000 holding advanced degrees were on food stamps or some other form of assistance in 2011? The number of college graduates working for minimum wage has doubled in five years, but don’t worry. That won’t happen to you because you are rich.

Did you know that poor people aren’t really American? UNICEF estimates that the US is now 22nd our of 24 OECD nations in children’s health and well-being and 27th out of 30 for child poverty. That sounds like a third world country doesn’t it? Well it is, but not for us.

Did you know that, since the recession, Fortune 500 corporations have cut their tax payments in half? Some say that loopholes and tax exemptions have cost the public a trillion dollars a year and underreported income costs just under another half trillion. It’s estimated that people like your mommy and daddy are hiding 21 to 32 trillion in off shore accounts so it can’t be taxed. Now can you see why we need to cut social security?

So that is today’s episode of “Fun facts about capitalism!” We leave you with one more fun fact that will help you sleep peacefully to ight. “Of the 435 House elections in 2004, 95% of them were won by the candidates who outspent their opponents.” I have three words for people who think they can change with electoral politics alone: game, set and match! As long as people don’t organize at the grass roots level we are safe. See you next time on “Fun Facts about Capitalism!”


Based on Paul Buchheit’s article in Counterpunch: