Dear God,
As .you know, I spend a lot of my time thinking about how you should punish all the liberal people when you send them to hell. I know you are loving and all that, but how are they going to learn their lesson unless you torture them for all eternity?
For example, if someone questioned one of America’s wars you can make them wear Saddam Hussein’s stretched out underpants for all eternity. You know the ones from the picture that accidentally leaked out when he was in captivity? You can look it up on Google. Anyway, the picture was taken just before his fair trial and execution. These liberals have completely distorted your message of peace to make it about ending actual wars. I personally believe that, after Jesus knocked over the money changers’ tables, he drug them by the hair down to the Jordan River and water boarded them, but that’s just my interpretation. I understand you wanted peace on earth, but may I respectfully point out that 9-11 changed everything. This is no time to get soft on crime.
If someone believed in global warming, you could make them listen to tapes of Al Gore losing the debate to George Bush. Anyone who could lose a debate to George Bush can’t be right about science. (Some of my suggestions assume hell has audio visual equipment.)
Pro-choice men and women could be forced to wear giant IUD’s for eternity. And you could make them play basketball with the rubber fetuses used in Right to Life speeches.
So, anyway, those are my thoughts. If you’re interested, I have many other ideas. In fact, I spend a lot more time thinking about torturing people in hell, than loving them in heaven. Are there any mid-level management positions in open in hell where I could call myself a Christian, but still focus on eternal vengeance? I know you are into that forgiveness stuff, I’m just saying sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. None-the-less, Thy will be done and not mine… But think about it.
Respectfully Yours,
Rev. Hugo Grunt,
CEO, Rod of God Ministries, Inc.
You could sub for Stephen Colbert!
I think I stole mine from Mark Twain. He woud do those satires and I ate them up as a boy.
oMg…I can’t stop laughing. MUst push myself away from the ‘puter now, but will be chuckling and sharing with others. (oh no…laughing so hard, face is leaking now)
Kate,
I hope you are referring to tears.
Jim
Colbert’s a Rigby wannabe!
David,
I remember the first time I heard Colbert thinking that I had lost my gig. I think a lot of people do satires to keep from going crazy. But he really has managed to play that role a lot longer than I thought would be possible.
Jim
Is Dr. Cindy a Liberal as well or do you two fight a lot at home when political seasons drift by?
Cindy and I are not related. I’m not sure where she is politically. Her husband also teaches at the seminary.