Paul Ryan said last week that Obama is a threat to our Judeo-Christian values. The idea that a follower of Ayn Rand, who hated Christianity and Judaism, would say such a thing was so strange that my mind was taken up to heaven. There I saw a new and improved Jesus who gave me a tablet of gold to bring back to all who question Paul Ryan’s right to speak for all Christians and Jews. The New Jesus said that protecting Judeo-Christian values (i.e. Capitalism) is so important that I should take the golden tablet to Paul Ryan. New Jesus said that he has re-written the Beatitudes so Paul Ryan’s position will not seem so hypocritical.
The New Beatitudes
Blessed are the rich, for theirs is the earth and all its bling.
Blessed are those free of empathy for those in harm’s way, for apathy is its own comfort.
Blessed are the powerful for they shall inherit the land, but I repeat myself.
Blessed are those who do not seek equality and fairness, but instead trust the invisible hand of the market to counterbalance their own greed.
Blessed are those who show no mercy to criminals and immigrants, for if we do not screweth them, they will screweth us.
Blessed are those who fill their hearts and minds with images of material goods, for they will see a God that looks just like themselves.
Blessed are our troops, but not theirs. ‘Nough said.
Blessed are those who enforce unjust laws, and pay unfair wages, for they have their heaven now.