(North Pole) Santa Claus, inc. and Northrop Grumman have announced a joint venture to replace traditional reindeer with Unmanned Combat Air Vehicles (UCAVs).
“So many people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas,” Santa said puffing on his corncob pipe. “Once a year we come together to celebrate the birth of capitalism. But some people don’t understand that. They want to force us to share the wealth. As the divide between rich and poor grows, spy and killer drones have become a necessary evil to protect the true meaning of Christmas.”
“To be honest with you, the hardest part of my job is getting the good presents to the rich children and the crummy ones to the poor. When I pick up the toys from a sweatshop in Hong Kong and am taking them to a mansion in Los Angeles, I need a powerful computer to make sure the expensive toys don’t go to the wrong kind of children. Traditional reindeer just can’t pull that kind of weight. I need help these days just keeping my list of who’s naughty and who’s nice. And by “naughty,” of course, I mean “poor.”
Santa’s new sleigh will be led by the “Rudolph Drone” which has been designed especially for Santa. It comes equipped with a pinpoint red laser that will help the other drones draw a bead on any potential economic threat. “Class warfare has gotten so bad that I don’t feel safe flying over some parts of the world and in some neighborhoods where I have to take the really crappy toys,” Santa lamented. “The drones will be armed with retractable cannons and Hellfire Missiles to protect Christmas as we know it. I am having to practice with the new names,” said Mr. Claus, “On, Reaper; on, Predator; on, Shadow Hawk;” still doesn’t sound right to me,” the old elf said laughing and shaking his belly.