Today we will gather outside of the HEB to protest the slaughter of unborn chickens. Imagine the pain an unborn chicken feels when someone scrambles an egg. We will also show a screening of the film, “Silent Cluck” which shows a yolk trying to avoid being poked with a fork. We want people to know that every omelet stops a beating heart.

The event is sponsored by the Col. Sanders “Save the Egg” Foundation. Spokesman John Plucker said, “It’s because we love chickens that we want to put them in cages and force them to lay eggs. That’s what makes them happy. How can we tell when chickens are happy? Because happy chickens lay more eggs. That’s how.”

Kenneth Cockadoodledoo of Roosters for Life will also speak at the event. “This isn’t about controlling chickens. Hens are emotional beings. I love my ladies which is why I feel a responsibility to make their decisions for them. They would never forgive themselves if they made a mistake. This decision should not be made by a poor chicken in trauma. It should be made by a group of roosters who can be objective because we don’t know anything about the situation.”

Father Clucky of Our Lady of the Sacred Ovum will be there to give God’s opinions on the subject. “Jesus said he wanted to gather us like a mother hen gathers her chicks. We all know that the tiny chicken soul enters the shell at fertilization. This is a slippery slope. It’s no coincidence that Hitler loved scrambled eggs and served them to his storm troopers. Is that what you want, to live in Nazi Germany?”

Finally, Dr. Nathan Smirk will hold up numerous medical studies and charts. Dr. Smirk is a doctor. He has scientific studies that show everything we are trying to prove. “We now know that chickens in the egg not only feel pain, they also fly around and sometimes write poetry. Can you prove me wrong? All we are asking is that restaurants be required to install expensive equipment to give Novocain to any egg they wish to serve their customers. And did I mention I am a doctor?” (–Dr. Nathan Smirk, PHD. in Landscape Architecture.)

But today’s event won’t be all men. HAA! (Hens Against Autonomy) will be there to talk about the success of their wonderful “abstinence only” barnyards, and to show how much safer reproductive health clinics would be if you put them on sixteen foot poles and surround them with a flaming moat.

The event will start at 5pm. Remember, it’s not a choice, it’s a chicken!