A spokesperson for the Republican Party released the following statement yesterday:
“We are pleased to announce that we have successfully cloned a Neanderthal caveman, and are now running him for President. We feel Grok will be the perfect face for the exciting new ideas our party has in mind for America.
Grok is not your grandparent’s caveman. For example, whereas the old cavemen used clubs to control their women, Grok will now use vaginal probes and harassing legislation. Whereas the old cavemen ran from fire, Grok runs only from the science of evolution and global climate change.
Grok believes religion should be taught in school, and that that evolution is just a theory. So, along with scientific theories, he believes students should be taught religious theories of creation as well, such as Grok’s own belief that the world was created by a large bear.
Grok will take several current Republican proposals, and make them even better. For example, a bill by a state lawmaker banning bare breasts in public except for breast feeding will be enhanced. It has been shown that 100% of those who use pornography began by viewing their mother’s naked breasts. So to protect infants from being stimulated by nudity, instead of being breast fed, they will be given a milk voucher. That voucher will be redeemable at any agribusiness. If elected, President, Grok will sponsor the “Breast Protection Bill” which will ensure that bare breasts are limited to designated areas that will be called “gentlemen’s clubs.” And President Grok will pass tough new laws to make sure our nation’s most important documents are not compromised by lactating women.
Grok will also issue government grants for any automakers who will develop a personal truck running off clean burning coal, and that can actually frack the oil out of the ground. The truck will sport a large reservoir to store the toxic waste, and a GPS that will lead the driver to the nearest poor section of town for disposal.
Finally, instead of blocking black and Hispanic voters through clumsy voter id laws, Grok will simply ask voters to prove they are white by presenting a Confederate flag or Vanilla Ice cd. So as not to alienate minority voters, Grok will begin every speech attacking affirmative action with, “I’m not a racist, but…” And, speaking of diversity, people of color who are willing to speak against racial preferences, and women willing to marry misogynous men will always have a place in Grok’s cabinet.
So if you are tired of the same old Republican policies, give us another chance. We are wrapping those old ideas in completely new packages. Our campaign slogan is simple. ‘If you’re tired of our same old crock, vote for Grok!'”