I’m getting the blog thing down pretty well, so I’ve decided to add an advice column with the wonderful questions I get. This email came to me from Michigan,

Reverend Rigby,

Is the church in any way violating the sodomy laws to keep its head up its hinny?

Rev. Hugo Grunt, III

Rev. Grunt,

Not at all my friend. Tradition is the anchor for our ship of faith. If we were to unfurl our sail, who knows where the winds would lead us? Besides we do not have time to actually sail anywhere. We need all our time to determine who is good enough to be on our crew.

Wishing you God’s limited Grace,
Reverend Rigby

Reverend Rigby,

I’m confused. How can the church say it believes in the priesthood of all believers, and then say gays and lesbian believers shouldn’t be ordained? How can it say it is “reformed and always reforming” and then say that keeping tradition is more important than meeting human need? Isn’t it a bit hypocritical for the church to say we are saved by grace and then judge?

Mary Johnson,

You are confused my child. It’s because you are trying to think for yourself. Instead turn to the words of the noble dead. They knew more than we. It’s true that, to an outsider, the church can sometimes appear to be unthinking apes following whichever male is meanest and has the most grey hair, but sometimes we also follow mean males who aren’t that old. So be like the wise horse who does not make a fuss when the bit is placed in your mouth. Surrender your conscience to the system. It may look like we’re leading you off a cliff, but the angels will bear you up before you hit the ground. At least, I think so.

In Mindless Piety,
Reverend Rigby