As a Christian I am charged, of course, with being sex police for everyone else. It’s not an easy job, but I always carry pepper spray in case I see two non-married people holding hands, or as I like to say it, committing hand fornication. Likewise, if I see unmarried couples flaunting their sexuality (in other words arousing mine) they likewise will face my wroth.   I am even thinking of developing a Christian line of defense products I will call “Jawbone of an Ass” Pepper spray. I also have created a new line of condoms with biblical condemnations on them I will call of “Socks of Shame.”

So, imagine my surprise, when I heard of the new Christian website called “Christian Nymphos.” The purpose of the site is to promote positive views of sex for Christian women. While that concerned me, I was glad to see that the site insists on keeping women submissive to their husbands and on condemning anyone outside of Christian marriage who would want to perform the same acts. I can look past open mindedness in Christian behavior so long as we don’t allow those same freedoms to others.

The site has a question and answer section where someone asked about anal sex. Being dutiful wives, the “Spicy Nutmeg”, “Cumin Girl” and “Cinnamon Sticks,” as they call themselves, deferred to their husbands who answered the question quite well. To summarize the answer, sodomy is only sodomy if homosexuals do it. For heterosexual married couples, we can justify just about anything. By the way, the site has a very long list of approved positions.

The site also has some tips on making making Christian sex hot and spicy “the way God intended it.” For example, imagine reading from the Song of Solomon while locked in the throes of nuptial passion:

“Her hair is like a flock of goats”

“Her teeth are as white as sheep”

“Her breasts are like gazelles.”

Yep, nothing makes me hotter than comparing a woman’s body to farm animals.