It was a great moment when I graduated from seminary and received the magic power given only to the ordained. The day before my ordination, if I had arrogantly dipped my hand in water and put it on an infant’s head, it would have had no effect. Now that I am ordained, I can prevent dear babies from being eternally scorched by merely dipping my hand in the magic bowl of water and placing it on their sweet little heads.

In the same way, only my magical powers of ordination can turn the fornication of two young infidels into into the blessed sacrament of marriage. And, though I am a humble man, I quake with anger when I hear of secularists who want to horn in on my God given monopoly. Case in point, a federal judge in Indiana has rejected a request made by atheists to preside at weddings.

A lawsuit filed by the Indiana chapter of the Center for Inquiry argued that an Indiana law that requires marriages to be “solemnized” — made official by signing a marriage license — only by clergy, judges, mayors or local government clerks — violates the Constitution.

But Judge Sarah Evans Barker of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Indiana ruled on Friday (Nov. 30) that marriage has religious roots. Therefore, government regulation of marriage is an act of religious accommodation — not endorsement — and protected by the Constitution. (Religious News Service)

Do you get the distinction here? It’s an “accommodation,” not an “endorsement.” Why the words don’t even begin with the same letter!

“We in no way intend to question or disparage plaintiff’s opinions regarding the institution of marriage,” Barker wrote in her ruling. “But we must gently remind plaintiffs that the free exercise clause (of the Constitution) is not a guarantee against inconvenience.”

Can you see the magnificent patience of this judge? Not an ounce of sarcasm in that ruling. The judge is gently reminding these non-believers that not getting the same constitutional rights believers have is not discrimination, it’s a mere inconvenience. If atheists want to get married, they can either come to me, or to a government lackey, they just can’t perform the service themselves.

“It would be difficult to imagine a clearer way to classify nonbelievers as second-class citizens,” Lindsay said in a statement. “A wedding is one of the most important ceremonies in a person’s life, and it is just as meaningful to atheists as it is to theists. It’s disappointing that a 21st-century court refused to recognize this reality.”

Silence infidel! Before I smite thee with my magic powers!