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Lubbock County Judge Tom Head, a Republican who chairs the county’s Commissioners Court said yesterday that the county needs to increase property tax rate so they will be prepared if Obama is re-elected. Here is how Fox 34 in Lubbock reported his words:

Head said he and the county must be prepared for many contingencies, one that he particularly fears, is if President Obama is reelected.

“He’s going to try to hand over the sovereignty of the United States to the UN, and what is going to happen when that happens?,” Head asked.

“I’m thinking the worst. Civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil war maybe. And we’re not just talking a few riots here and demonstrations, we’re talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms and get rid of the guy.

“Now what’s going to happen if we do that, if the public decides to do that? He’s going to send in U.N. troops. I don’t want ‘em in Lubbock County. OK. So I’m going to stand in front of their armored personnel carrier and say ‘you’re not coming in here’.

“And the sheriff, I’ve already asked him, I said ‘you gonna back me’ he said, ‘yeah, I’ll back you’. Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there. I want trained, equipped, seasoned veteran officers to back me.”

 

Perhaps you, too, are tired of the weary burden of sanity and would like to craft your own crazy Obama conspiracy theory. Young Tommy Head of Lubbock was able to make his crazy Obama conspiracy theory out of the vague prejudices that you can find just lying around the house. Notice that he did not directly say, “I don’t want a black man in the white house.” Instead, he referred to a “Civil War” which brings racist memories almost to the surface without actually saying them.  You can do the same thing by calling Obama a “Muslim” which is another wonderful way to conjure racist imagery without taking responsibility. Trust the ignorance of your fellow Americans.

Young Tommy said innocently that taxes would have to be increased (ultimate evil) so Lubbock could be protected when Obama calls in his powder blue beret wearing buddies at the U.N. to overrun the fair streets of Lubbock, which as everyone knows is the jewel in the crown of the American republic.

Little Tommy’s crazy conspiracy theory was good, now here is mine:

“Did Obama Kill bin Laden because they were gay Muslim lovers?”

See how easy that was? Do you see how seamlessly I was able to weave together supposedly unrelated prejudices into a seamless narrative? And notice the question mark. That way when people point out that I have no evidence, I can recoil: “I was just asking a question! Whatever happened to my freedom of speech?” See how I turned an honest question about my own baseless slander into an assault on my own rights? Remember, my white heterosexual male friend, you are always the real victim even when you’ve just been caught red handed in a falsehood.

Now it’s your turn. Perhaps you will want to find a strange picture of Obama and point out that his hand is in the shape of a satanic gesture. Perhaps you will want to find someone Obama vaguely knew who turned out to be a communist or a terrorist. Remember that your real audience will be a other deeply frustrated white men with sexist, racist and xenophobic tendencies. One last suggestion: if you do play the race card, it is important to tell a story about a black friend, or quote a black person, or you can use the old standard, “I’m not racist, but…” No one but other racists will believe you, but who else do you need?

Now let’s hear it, what are your crazy Obama conspiracy theories?